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Tonight I hurt. I have a pain that is an all consuming, whole-body hurt, down to the very bone.
I didn't know that pain like this existed. I've known hurt before - but not like this; and now I've known this ultra-pain for three and a half years.
Brandon's birthday is Monday. He would be seven, had he survived. In second grade. This birthday of his, this month, this year, is especially hard for me. Because, now he has been gone for as long as he was here. I have missed him and ached for him for as many days as I held him and loved him. I see his pictures every day. I have them posted at work, they are hung on my walls at home, and they play a continuous loop in my head all day. But only when I feel this horrible pain do I hear his voice, and feel his touch. No, it's the other way around. It is when I am able to clearly remember his voice, and able to clearly remember his gentle touches that I feel this pain.
But Brandon's touches weren't always gentle. Not until he got sick at least. Before he got sick he was a strong, aggressive, brute of a toddler. His hero was the Incredible Hulk. After he got sick he had moments of brutishness, but they were most often followed by a loving touch, a sincere apology and a promise to be nice. I'll be nice mommy, I promise... Those things kill me. Well, sometimes I wish they would. That's the power of The Pain.
When I turned 23, my mom had just turned 46. For nearly a year she was twice as old as I was, and I think it was my dad that said it was a special year because that probably wouldn't happen again. Brandon's birthday this year is the doubling of his own final age. I will never be twice as old as him. (However, I will be twice as old as Dylan when I am 46)
This particular passing of time feels unsafe to me. How can I be here longer than he was? How can I leave this bubble of time-measurement protection? Up until now I comforted myself by saying that at least I had him for longer than I haven't had him. That's no longer true, and tonight that reality hit me. For evermore he will be missed more and longer than I knew was possible.
Happy Birthday Brandon. You're even now, little monk-boy.
Doin' Disney ... again!
13 years ago
4 comments:
Happy Birthday Brandon!!! (9/29) We ALL miss you!!!
I do remember... and I remember that my "son" or whomever would have been the same age. I always thought of Brandon as a godchild anyway...
I love and miss you very much!
Nif
Hey, how are you doing? I hope you are doing okay...
Oh my wonderfully beautiful and honest cousin....I sit here and read your words and they make my heart hurt, I know that there is no way that I can truly feel the pain that you feel and I am sorry that it is something that I have no way of helping to ease. I only hope that you know and understand the way that I cherish the wonder of Brandon. Because that is how I see him, his presence in human form was brief and as you say strong for most to see. But what he has left all that knew him is more than I can say. The memory that I hold close to me is when we were on the houseboat, when he first was sick (no knowledge of the cancer) I was feeling pretty crappy too. He felt like shit and I felt like shit so I took him on top of the houseboat into the tent and laid with him. We were quiet together, he made me laugh because he at his young age used this word that was far beyond his years and I laughed and got him to say it again while he laughed. We seemed to be able to just be, I can never imagine the pain he felt or try to compare it to mine...but at the time it seemed to me that we just so understood each other. And you know for the life of me I can not tell you the word...well I know it started with an I, but when I'm not expecting it it slaps me in the face and I can't help but smile and remember our time together. Yes, I remember him when I see a frog, or a hummingbird or a cardinal and yes even a crow (like the one that stayed on your parents lawn)but nothing compares to that memory. Ashley, Kailee and Tyler watch Sponge Bob because it reminds them of their cousin, we talk of him often. He had such a strong impact on all of us. We love all of you with all of our heart and sole.
Your Cuz, Shelley
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