The Great Equalizer

Tonight I hurt. I have a pain that is an all consuming, whole-body hurt, down to the very bone.

I didn't know that pain like this existed. I've known hurt before - but not like this; and now I've known this ultra-pain for three and a half years.

Brandon's birthday is Monday. He would be seven, had he survived. In second grade. This birthday of his, this month, this year, is especially hard for me. Because, now he has been gone for as long as he was here. I have missed him and ached for him for as many days as I held him and loved him. I see his pictures every day. I have them posted at work, they are hung on my walls at home, and they play a continuous loop in my head all day. But only when I feel this horrible pain do I hear his voice, and feel his touch. No, it's the other way around. It is when I am able to clearly remember his voice, and able to clearly remember his gentle touches that I feel this pain.

But Brandon's touches weren't always gentle. Not until he got sick at least. Before he got sick he was a strong, aggressive, brute of a toddler. His hero was the Incredible Hulk. After he got sick he had moments of brutishness, but they were most often followed by a loving touch, a sincere apology and a promise to be nice. I'll be nice mommy, I promise... Those things kill me. Well, sometimes I wish they would. That's the power of The Pain.

When I turned 23, my mom had just turned 46. For nearly a year she was twice as old as I was, and I think it was my dad that said it was a special year because that probably wouldn't happen again. Brandon's birthday this year is the doubling of his own final age. I will never be twice as old as him. (However, I will be twice as old as Dylan when I am 46)

This particular passing of time feels unsafe to me. How can I be here longer than he was? How can I leave this bubble of time-measurement protection? Up until now I comforted myself by saying that at least I had him for longer than I haven't had him. That's no longer true, and tonight that reality hit me. For evermore he will be missed more and longer than I knew was possible.

Happy Birthday Brandon. You're even now, little monk-boy.

Four Play

Four jobs I have had:

1. Office Manager
2. HR Specialist
3. Court Administrator
4. Retail Supervisor

Four places I have lived:

1. California
2. Colorado
3. New Mexico
4. Missouri

Four places I have traveled to:

1. Mexico
2. Canada
3. Hawaii
4. Across the US

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Bacon cheeseburger
2. Pie a la mode
3. Pizza
4. Brownies

Four places I wish to visit:

1. Alaska (Northern Lights)
2. Disney World
3. Panama Canal (cruise)
4. New Orleans (Mardi Gras)

Ukiah High Dance Team

Check out the video of my daughter performing for the first time with the dance team.

That's the first Ukiahi football game I've been to, so I haven't seen the dance team perform before but I heard a lot of comments around me that they looked better than they did last year. They have only been practicing together for a month and I thought they looked pretty good for that little amount of practice. Having been on the flag/drill team in my day I know that it can take a lot longer than that to get it all together. I'm looking forward to seeing them perform throughout the year and it's nice to have an excuse to go to the football games too. We live less than a mile from the high school and we can always hear the games going on, now we will see them too.

TAG!

20 Years Ago...

1. I moved to California from Colorado
2. I spent the summer with Aunt Sandy and Uncle Rich while my parents packed and moved us
3. I started High School
4. My brother and I quit fighting (physically)

10 Years Ago...

1. My first son was born
2. I changed my "career" and got a day job
3. I lived in Colorado again
4. I opened my first hotmail address

5 Years Ago...

1. I got divorced
2. I had two healthy sons
3. I started dating Lex
4. My parents had both been treated for cancer

3 Years Ago...

1. My younger son Brandon died (liver cancer)
2. Lex moved in with me
3. I earned my second Associates degree
4. I went on my first cruise

1 Year Ago...

1. Lex and I got married
2. I went to Tahoe for the first time
2. I joined the gym
3. I really started to enjoy my life

So Far This Year...

1. I finally went on a vacation
2. I took the Wilton cake decorating courses
3. I started teaching the Wilton cake decorating courses
4. I found joy in my new daughter Hilaire

Yesterday...

1. I woke up sick AGAIN!
2. I went to work anyway
3. I came home from work early
4. I slept all afternoon (monumental eh?)

Today...

1. I am pretending I am not sick
2. I made it through the 6 hours of training
3. I survived teaching my class
4. I found the measuring spoons I was looking for (drop, pinch, hint, smidge)

Tomorrow I will...

1. Stay home if I'm still sick
2. Sleep all day if I can
3. Be grateful for my job that has so much flexibility
4. Eat a big greasy cheeseburger

In The Next Year I will....

1. Start going to the gym I joined a year ago
2. Go on another vacation
3. Spend less money
4. Play more

I Tag....nobody
Game Over!!

All day cake marathon!

My computer clock says 8:41 pm and I'm sitting down to relax for the first time today. I got up at seven and I have been working on cakes all day. Of course I took time to eat and shower, but otherwise I was up to my chin in frosting. We managed to keep the secret from Dylan that he was going to be talked about during the kung fu exhibition. He figured it out quickly when Jason started telling the story, and he acted a little embarrassed but I think it was nice for him to get recognized. Someday if I ever figure out how to get videos onto my computer I'll post the video. The cake was a hit, and I'm told it tasted good too. That's always nice because you can decorate the hell out of a cake but if it doesn't taste good then it just isn't worth it! Here's the finished product -

The numbers were a bit crooked, but I was able to fix it before we left for the exhibition. I also made a cake for my husbands kegger with the boys tonight. They are celebrating their many years of dysfunctional friendship. Apparently the house that they used to hang out at was referred to as "the dungeon" and they decided that in order to attract women they needed to form a fraternity (Phi Tappa Kegga). So my ever clever artfully enhanced brain came up with the following very original creation -



Yes I realize that dungeons are underground but it's hard to make an inverted cake and decorate it it inside out and still end up with something, uh, well something. So just imagine that the dungeon is down the stairs on the right side of the graham cracker door. I considered making a spill of beer coming out of the keg and pooled at the bottom, but knowing those guys they would think it was pee or something so I left them with a fairly blank canvas. Not much for them to make fun of there as far as I can tell.

This tired powdered sugar puff is heading off to sweet dreams of candy land.

Kung Fu Fever, Literally

My son Dylan has been taking Kung Fu lessons from our friend Jason for the last 3 years, and now Jason has decided to open his own Kung Fu school. His grand opening celebration is Saturday night and I will be providing the cake. Yippee! I worked for several hours this weekend making his logo out of colorflow icing, and here is the result-
I actually made four of these, one rough draft and three in case I break one (or two). I'm a little uneasy about the public debut of my not-so-perfect cakes but I guess I have to start somewhere. I'm pretty happy with the logo so hopefully I can make the cake look nice too and at least not be embarrassed.

Dylan doesn't know it yet but he is going to be an honored guest at the grand opening. Jason is going to tell the story of Dylan's first fight at school last year and talk about how Kung Fu helped Dylan defend himself and then stop himself from fighting more. Dylan will get the first t-shirt with the logo on it, and be Jason's star for the evening. I'm very happy for him, he's such a good kid and it's nice that he gets recognized for it.

Somehow, in my powdered sugar mixing marathon I managed to get strep throat. So now I'm home sick, hoping I will be well enough to finish preparing the cakes for this weekend. I have 3 cakes going to the Kung Fu party and another cake going to a party for my husband's friends. Good time to get sick eh?